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What are Condolences?

Mary McMahon
Mary McMahon
Mary McMahon
Mary McMahon

Condolences are formal expressions of sympathy offered to people after the death of a friend or loved one. Most cultures have traditions surrounding the use of condolences, and it is generally considered very poor form to neglect to offer condolences to someone after learning that he or she has recently experienced the death of someone close. Condolences can take a number of forms.

In a condolence letter, someone composes a brief message of sympathy with the intention of sending the message to the survivors of someone who has died. Typically, condolences are addressed to the head of the family, even if you are more familiar with someone else in the family. A second condolence letter can be sent to your close friend among the mourners. Some people prefer to send brief cards, while others take the time to write more lengthy letters, with the format being dependent on how well one knows the deceased and the mourners.

Condolences are formal expressions of sympathy following a death.
Condolences are formal expressions of sympathy following a death.

Condolences are also given orally, classically at the first meeting after the death. Oral condolences are usually brief, and may be accompanied with a handshake, hug, or another physical gesture. Offering condolences in this context is important, even if the death occurred months ago, because it recognizes that the mourner has undergone significant life changes since he or she was last seen, and it reflects respect and an expression of mutual grief.

Oral condolences are often accompanied by a handshake.
Oral condolences are often accompanied by a handshake.

In many cultures, people also pay condolence calls, visiting the head of a mourning family to express condolences personally, as well as sending a formal condolence letter. It is not uncommon for mourners to hold a reception or open house, often after the disposition of the body, with designated hours for condolence calls. Food is often laid out at these events, and specific religious or cultural traditions may be observed during this period.

Condolences are necessary even if they cause discomfort.
Condolences are necessary even if they cause discomfort.

Although paying your condolences can feel very awkward, it is very important. Family members, for example, often enjoy hearing from close friends of the deceased, so even if you don't know the family very well, they will appreciate a letter of condolence or condolence call. Condolences can also become bound up in the politics of family feuds, in which case you should still do your best to express sympathy while remaining neutral on the topic of strife.

Condolences may be expressed by sending a short note.
Condolences may be expressed by sending a short note.

A formal condolence letter is usually written on simple stationery, with bright, colorful, or cheerful images being generally unacceptable. In the case of a condolence card, while pre-printed cards are available, choosing a blank card and expressing your own sentiments is highly advisable. On condolence calls, one should generally wear the colors associated with mourning in the culture of the family.

A condolence letter can be sent to your close friend among the mourners.
A condolence letter can be sent to your close friend among the mourners.

Some cultures and religions have very specific rules about condolences. If you are expressing condolences to someone who comes from a culture which is not your own, you may want to ask someone from that culture to go over condolence and mourning traditions with you so that you will behave appropriately. This is especially important if you are invited to a funeral.

Mary McMahon
Mary McMahon

Ever since she began contributing to the site several years ago, Mary has embraced the exciting challenge of being a WiseGEEK researcher and writer. Mary has a liberal arts degree from Goddard College and spends her free time reading, cooking, and exploring the great outdoors.

Learn more...
Mary McMahon
Mary McMahon

Ever since she began contributing to the site several years ago, Mary has embraced the exciting challenge of being a WiseGEEK researcher and writer. Mary has a liberal arts degree from Goddard College and spends her free time reading, cooking, and exploring the great outdoors.

Learn more...

Discussion Comments

anon335317

When writing words of condolence on behalf of someone, you can say it like this, "I am very sorry to hear of your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family." Be nice and tender, sensitive, sympathetic and caring. At some point, it may relieve the pain they feel and comfort the bereaved.

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    • Condolences are formal expressions of sympathy following a death.
      By: itsxtian
      Condolences are formal expressions of sympathy following a death.
    • Oral condolences are often accompanied by a handshake.
      By: tsyhun
      Oral condolences are often accompanied by a handshake.
    • Condolences are necessary even if they cause discomfort.
      By: chuugo
      Condolences are necessary even if they cause discomfort.
    • Condolences may be expressed by sending a short note.
      By: JcJg Photography
      Condolences may be expressed by sending a short note.
    • A condolence letter can be sent to your close friend among the mourners.
      By: zakaz86
      A condolence letter can be sent to your close friend among the mourners.
    • In many cultures, it is common to visit the head of a mourning family to express condolences personally.
      By: auremar
      In many cultures, it is common to visit the head of a mourning family to express condolences personally.